New Grill

So Farm Chick and the cowboys recently got me a grill for Father's Day! I was so excited because the last grill I had (which if you're not a guy is a necessary tool in your tool belt), rusted out. I got that one when Farm Chick and I got married about 9 years ago!

It's been soooooo hot here for the past 2 months that once I got this great grill so I didn't really want to even put it together for fear of heat stroke and then once I got it together it was another several weeks before I got the gumption to use it, again the heat stroke worry.

So the problem with this is that now for me the expectations just kept getting higher and higher to have a "perfect" first grilling experience. So I bought some hamburgers (the expensive kind that weren't on sale and we didn't have a coupon for...again a no no with Farm Chick's new passion). I got home and started grilling and took my time so as to avoid some of the issues of burning the articles on the grill. After a long time of making sure that I got them perfect...cheese perfectly melted on all six patties!

I took them off the grill and put them on the plate to go inside and partake in my wonderful first meal from my grill. I turned and started to open the door when in slow motion the burgers (ALL OF THEM) slid off my plate and drifted to the concrete patio...the dogs immediately ran up and ate like kings! I sat there and looked at Farm Chick (who was in the kitchen) and was totally ticked, I wasn't mad at her, or the dogs, but MYSELF! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!! I totally blew my first dinner from the grill!!!!!

This was the PITS!

***These are pics from the successful second grilling endeavour***

Prayers of an obscenely honest man...Part 2

"Dear Lord, please help us to all sleep in our own beds all night long so we can be rested and ready to play tomorrow."

This is a common prayer before bed at our house. Subtlety I hope that the cowboys realize that God wants their daddy to get sleep so that he can fulfill his duties as dad, and when they get me up that I can't do that....at least not very well!

Prayers of an obscenely honest man... part one

"God, please let my kids like radishes..."

So it's NOT why you think.

 

I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE CORN. In fact, if I were a bachelor, I would probably fill my body with so much corn that does so little for my well being.

I always wait until everyone has gotten the corn that they want on their plate before I will get mine; and usually what I do is just take the whole corn bowl and eat from it, because I will finish it up.

So yesterday my lovely wife made corn for dinner and the boys are starting to become like their dad, however I hadn't started in on mine and they had already finished their first round of corn. The problem is that they wanted MORE! As I was judging how much that would/could leave me I started to think how much nicer it would be if they just like radishes. Then I would be able to just eat almost as much as I wanted of the delightful yellow veggie.

Just a little moment of happiness for you...

Wusification part Deux

Does 5th place in a tee ball tournament really need a trophy? What are we teaching our kids...that if you aren't the best you'll still win?

In the real world if there are five bidders an RFQ (request for quote)...and you come in 5th...YOU DON'T win a trophy. You go home and figure out what you didn't do that the customer wanted and work hard to do better so that next time you can win the bid!

Skinny Jeans...

Farm Chick and I were at our local Target and I have been needing some new jeans...and if you know me, I when I find something that works, I usually don't change from it very easily or quickly (thanks for that one dad!).

So I get the same jeans every single time. They are Wrangler 34X34...relaxed fit. These fit wonderfully and are relatively inexpensive...only about $15 at your local Walmart (I LOVE WALMART)! I usually have to buy relaxed fit jeans because my quads and calves are huge (probably from the running)...I don't have chicken legs like alot of white guys or long distance runners.


So back to Target that fateful day. Unfortunately being the size that I am there aren't alot of them in stock...I don't know if it's not a common size so they just don't usually have it, or if it's so common that they can't keep it in stock.  Anyway, they had the size in stock and I threw them in the cart without thinking twice. We got home and Farm Chick washed them up.

A couple of days later I had to go out of town for an overnight visit on business. So when I left for work, I had packed for the evening drive some comfortable clothes instead of the usual suit! I packed my new jeans of course. That afternoon, I was changing at my office, when I started putting on my new jeans, something was horribly wrong! Had I bought skinny jeans?!! Had I bought the cowboy wranglers?!! (I know I live on a farm, but I just can't do it...they're NOT comfortable on me!) I had to practically lather myself in lotion and baby powder to get into them (for those of you young people out there that was a "Friends" reference!) This was NOT going to work!

So I went across the street to the Walmart and prayed that they would have exactly my size in the kind of jeans that I needed. Hallelujah, they did!

Twilight saga at FSF...

One night after we had the boys tucked safely in bed, we heard the biggest cat fight outside. At the time we had our two cats and about 4-5 barn cats...they usually got along, and we had NEVER heard something this loud and crazy.

I quickly got up and headed out the front door, along the way I grabbed a flashlight because it was very dark out. By the time I got to the side of the porch I saw my two cats scurrying up to the front of the house getting away from whatever was causing the commotion. Unfortunately it was a very foggy evening making it difficult to see clearly to the back of the house from the front. I headed to the back to see if I could figure out what was going on. Our house is about 30 yards from the garage. As I was about get to the garage I was looking to my right trying to see through the fog with my flashlight. I saw several beady eyes of cats hiding after the fracas that had just happened...none were moving and willing to give me any clues as to what or who caused this disturbance.

Just then a thought went through my head..."what if a vampire had gotten hungry and flew to our barn to have a cat snack?...NO vampires aren't real!" I thought.

Almost immediately I spotted in the distance about 50 yards away (across the corral in the barn yard) I saw two green eyes at MY EYE LEVEL! There are NO hills causing a cat or raccoon to be at my eye level.

"HOWEVER THERE COULD BE WEREWOLVES!" I thought! Just then the eyes started moving as if they were walking to their right, all the while staring at me!

AAAARRRRHHHHHGGGG!!!! Instant heart racing and adrenaline! I ran to the house to the back door and tried to barge through the back door!

IT WAS STILL LOCKED!!!

HELP!!!!!

Farm Chick OPEN THE DOOR!!!

She was totally confused to why I would be so out of sorts. She casually came and opened the door; all the while the culprit could have easily leaped and bounded and closed the distance between us. I busted through the door and slammed it and locked it in one smooth motion! I quickly turned off all the lights in the house and with a safe one pane of glass between me and the outdoors I stared out with my flashlight trying to see what I had conjured up in my head!

NOTHING!

I told Farm Chick what had happened and she laughed at me the rest of the night thinking that I was as crazy as a loon!

Wusification part one (gotta lighten the mood...Mondays with EJ)

I have a theory that when you wear sun glasses too much you "wusify" your eyes!

Cell phones hide in terror...

Well I've had a cell phone since the beginning of 1999...I've been through lots of them...not really by choice though. I'm going to share with you about some of the ways that I have destroyed the phones that I've had!

One of the first ways was when I was in the process of stepping into my Geo Prism (I know you're probably jealous!) at college.  The phone popped off the clip on my left hip. And because I do things swiftly and usually do several things all in one motion...the door was already slamming shut. Well I had perfect timing and the phone got smashed between the door and the car.  It was completely smashed!

Another time I was on a cruise and had an I-phone that I rented for $17 for the week so that Farm Chick and I could communicate on that big ship. Well I'm not used to having a phone in my pocket, I've always had it on my belt clip...well I walked right into a pool with it.  That cost me $1000!!!! STUPID CRUISE SHIPS AND THEIR STUPID I-PHONES!!!! Oh I didn't even get to keep it...I should have for all the money I paid for it! (FYI this story is much longer and many more details, but that's just just of it!)

I of course dropped a phone in the pot! NEVER a good moment when you realize you have to make a choice to either commit and save your technology by thrusting you hand into waters that could rival the filthiness of the Ganga or just see if your porcelain throne can successfully alleviate your problem by taking the phone to poo heaven! Either way there are consequences!

We live on a farm, and I had a really neat Palm Treo when it first came out. Well, one of the things that I learned was that when I'm doing work outside, there's really no need (nor want) to have a cell phone on my person.  I had to learn this the hard way. I was driving our tractor pulling our bush-hog doing some mowing; when I realized I couldn't locate my phone. I quickly looked down and back and noticed (thankfully) it resting on the ground...this can't be good I thought. I shut everything down and hopped down and assessed the situation. I HAD DRIVEN OVER MY PHONE WITH THE TRACTOR! The amazing thing was that it hadn't smashed it to smithereens! It was all in one piece, however it had a horrible crack down the middle of the touch screen impairing the view of the information that it showed!

So when Farm Chick and I decided to get our new Droid X and Droid 2 phones this last year I decided that I would pull out all the stops and make sure to protect our investments. I bought "Otter boxes" for them. For Farm Chick I got the commuter, and for me I got the defender. The commuter is the middle level of protection, and the defender is the highest level of protection. So Droid X, rest easy knowing that if for some reason I throw you out the window going 55 mph, you're safe!

"Homely" what does it mean...?

def: adj. to look in appearance as just plain.

This is my definition of Homely. I have held this to be true for years until FC put the smack down on me because apparently I was insulting some poor lady. In my defense she looked plain. However my wife informed me that I was in fact saying she looked UGLY! Well that was not what I had meant or the outcome that I had desired. So I just usually don't use that word anymore for fear of using it incorrectly.

Alpaca Eggs

So Pop and I were on our way to DW's house for Christmas a couple of years ago. It was just us in the car and we were talking about all sorts of fun farm type stuff. We got on the subject of chickens and big eggs. When I said "..man I wonder how big an Alpaca egg can get?"

I'll let that sink in...an Alpaca egg!

So at this point, Pop didn't have the heart or desire to tell me about the flaw in my question. What a mean man...it wasn't until the next day at breakfast he busts me out and tells everyone the story!

I now know the difference between an Alpaca and an Emu (what I thought that I was referring to). Here's a picture of both for your reference. 

This is an Emu...they have eggs...really big ones as a matter of fact!

This is an Alpaca...They DON'T have EGGS!  I'm sure Pop was wondering..."...how hairy would an Alpaca egg be?"

Intruders among us...

One night I was in the basement (long before Pop and Grammy were living with us and the basement was unfinished) fixing a power cord on the fireplace that the previous owners dogs had chewed to oblivion. I happened to also be talking on the phone to a buddy of mine while doing that. Farm Chick was working out and I was home alone with the cowboys. They were in bed and asleep. As I was working along, talking, I heard what sounded like a big plastic cup fall off the kitchen counter on to the floor...OH Farm Chick was home. So I told my buddy and headed up the front stairs. Got up to the kitchen and no one was there! So then all of a sudden it hit me...THERE COULD BE AN INTRUDER!!!!

I had a knife from fixing that electrical cord, and I figured the guy headed down the back stairs, so I pursued with knife in hand, flashlight in hand, along with the phone still on (I wanted to have a witness if someone got hurt). While in route to the basement I picked up a rifle and so now I had the rifle in my left hand holding the knife like a bayonet along with the light because the basement was NOT very well lit.

My heart was racing and the adrenaline was flowing like Niagara falls! I put the phone in my pocket (still on, again for protection).  I started going through the basement room by room; just as I had seen all the great SWAT teams or cops or Jack Bauer do. However in my distress I started telling the intruder how unlucky he was and how horrible he was...this is the nice way of saying that I was screaming at the top of my lungs obscenities at him telling him to come out and I wouldn't shoot him or stab him (I didn't have any ammo....no time to grab that)!

I made my sweep of the basement and alas to my delight there was NO ONE in our house that was there for nefarious intentions! WHEW! I gleefully picked back up the phone and told my friend that joyful news. He informed me that he had heard the whole thing and that I sounded ridiculous!

The Letterman...yeah baby...

A couple of weeks ago Farm Chick was making me help her move all the coats from one closet to another. At the back of the closet I just happened to find the coolest jacket EVER!

MY LETTER JACKET!

OH yeah, you ladies can say it, and you guys can be jealous about it, he's a stud!

If you remember you could only button the two bottom buttons, otherwise it had best be extremely cold or you were a loser!

Also I was one of the really cool guys who happened to letter his freshman year in the fall, so my parents got me my letter jacket for Christmas! That means, that I got the most use out of it as possible!! WAHOO!

Again, what a stud was I and am I still!?!?!!!

Andrew Brenard...no no...the Narddog!

I might need to preface this post by saying that the Narddog IS ME! The writers of The Office must have followed me to create this character....several reasons:

1. I love singing. Anytime. Anyplace.

2. Nipple bleeding is a real issue!

3. Farm Chick wouldn't have married this fine specimen if it wouldn't have been for some good old fashioned stalking, just like Andy did to Angela.

4. I love sweaters...especially argyle ones!

While shopping I had to explain to Farm Chick that these were what I needed my sweaters to look like in order to complete my Andy Bernard collection.

Tall drink of water....definition.....

def. adj...a man or woman who happens to be usually about 6+ inches taller than the average man or woman.

Alas this was NOT the same definition that Farm Chick had for this colloquialism.

There was a taller man who happened to walk by us as we were sitting at a table somewhere people watching and I noticed his height, to which I said...

"...wow! He's a tall drink of water!"

Farm Chick nearly fell out of her chair with explosive laughter.

I was completely confused.

He WAS really tall.  Why did she find that so funny?

Farm Chick had to explain that in her culture (aka the rest of the world) this was an innuendo!??!!

REALLY?

Well I'll be darned...won't use that one anymore!

Netflix Rules

It's me EJ and I know I haven't been around in a while but I have several things on my heart that I need to share with you so be on the lookout for my wonderful pontifications.

Ok so there are a few basic rules with netflix. Because you pay a certain amount every month no matter how many movies you watch. It causes me to have an uncontrollable desire to make sure that I'm getting my money's worth. To assure that you must watch the movie the night you receive it in the mail and return the very next day promptly. This will assure you to pay as little as possible per movie. It's the only logical way of viewing this business relationship from the consumer standpoint. So no matter the night or no matter the schedule Farm Chick knows that is we got one of those delightful little red packages in the mail we're watching a movie! Oh yes we are!


One other thing; you must also make the schedule of movies is a palatable mixture or rhythm of comedies, action, and documentaries.