He understands.

I would have been 20 weeks pregnant with the twins by now. 

I would have known if they were boys or girls or one of each. 

I would have been more than half way through their pregnancy.  (A normal pregnancy is 40 weeks but twins are delivered earlier than that). 

I was sitting here tonight thinking about what it was like when I was pregnant with them.

Sometimes I just miss them.

I miss my other baby too.

I have three babies in heaven.

I know God has a plan and I trust Him.

I am so grateful for His comfort.

I still miss my babies.

I'm certain my God understands.

I choose freedom

EJ and I have not had the easiest road to parenthood.  It has been marked by joys and sorrows.

For two years of my life I obsessed about becoming pregnant.  I researched, I charted, I chatted, I prayed, I timed, I tested, I cried, I felt like I would lose my mind.

I will never forget laying in bed one night crying uncontrollably.  EJ tried to comfort me.  I just couldn't breathe.  I don't know that I've ever had a panic attack but that was as close as I ever want to get to one.

EJ called my folks.  He told them what was going on and then put the phone to my ear.

I couldn't even make words come out.

I just continued to sob.

Grammy and Pop took turns praying over me.

I tried to quiet my sobbing enough to hear them.

I calmed down as they prayed truth over me. 

EJ thanked them and then held me close while I fell asleep.

Life hurt so much. 

You know our story, we went on to have children, 2 by birth, 1 by adoption and 3 in heaven.

For nearly four years (after Wubba was born), I had been infertile, again.  No pregnancies.

You know what?  I was okay with that.  I really was.  Q had come through adoption and I was tickled to add to our family in that way.  I didn't long to be pregnant.  I didn't obsess.  I didn't feel sad about it.  I was just fine.

Totally fine.

Then God messed me up.

He gave me another pregnancy and sweetened the deal by putting two in there!  What could be better? 

Then my twins took off for heaven before I even got to know them.

Ouch.

All those thoughts came tumbling back.

For four weeks I have been standing at a cross road.  Trying to decide which way to go. 

It is a battle for my mind.

Am I going back there?  To the place of obsession.  To the place where becoming pregnant consumes my every thought?  No one would judge me.  I have been through a terrible loss and others would understand my desire to have another pregnancy.

But I have tasted freedom. 

I have lived in it.

You know what?

I like freedom.

I like trusting that God will create life when and how he chooses without my strong grip of control on the process.

I like living with confidence that my God loves me and will work all things together for my good.

Enemy, I am done wrestling with you.

I choose freedom.

I choose trust.

I choose to throw my hands up and enjoy this roller coaster ride.

I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us.

9 "However, as it is written:  “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him— 10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God."

1 Corinthians 2:9-10

Sister Spa Day

Healing from a miscarriage takes time.

My heart is healing well.

My body is returning back to normal.

My life is moving forward.

My look, however, was going no where good. 

I had been neglecting all beauty routines for a while.  During pregnancy I was just too tired to deal with much.  It was more important to me to sleep and eat than it was to schedule pampering appointments.

After the miscarriage, I knew I would need a little make over to get back to life.  In fact, I had been thinking about how I could schedule several things.  (When you are a mom scheduling takes on a life of it's own.  You have to make sure your little blessings are well taken care of before you can run off for a little break).  I assumed it would take me all month long to get several things done.

Enter my fantastic Sisters...

Rock Star cleared my calendar on Monday.  She booked Grammy to watch the cowboys and told me what time to be at her place.  (Grammy, I am so grateful for you)

I was greeted with flowers from my sweet nephew.

And this card...

We went to our favorite Mexican restaraunt and met Pretty Princess there. 

Oh my stars...Lunch was so stinkin' good!

Next we headed to DW's house.

The house was so peaceful.

There was spa music playing and these beauties were on the table.

This verse was on the wall.  You can't help but have a happy heart when you read it.

Sweet Lou Lou had this picture and a necklace for me.

The sisters presented me with this card...

(in case you can't read it..."Sis, We've ordered this necklace for you!  It is engraved on the back with the words "remembered and loved".  We love you and celebrate the little ones that we will someday meet!  Love, Your Sisters")

I was determined not to cry during my fun spa day but I couldn't help but tear up when I read the card.

No time to be sappy.  We had to get to work. 

Rock Star started the party with some waxing.  I look peaceful here but believe me, waxing is not peaceful.  Good thing Rock Star is so good at it!  She made up for it though, by giving me a facial. 

Pretty Princess gave me a glorious manicure and pedicure.  My nails are amazing and my hands and feet are so soft!

DW colored, cut and styled my hair.  Good hair just makes a girl so happy!  Then Rock Star finished up my amazing spa experience by putting on my make up. 

Didn't they do a great job!  I felt like a whole new woman.  Being in their presence for a day was enough to lift my spirits.  Having them pamper me was such a blessing.  Good heavens I love these women!

As a perfect end to a perfect day, EJ met me for dinner with a dozen beautiful roses.   I love that man!

Sisters,

I regularly thank God for giving me each one of you.  When we were growing up, I took for granted just how incredible it was to be one of the four sisters.  I didn't realize the great gift we had been given.  Mom and Dad allows stressed how important our relationships were.  Turns out they were right.  Each of one you brings something so special into my life.  I have no words to tell you how much this day meant to me.  Each one of you gave up your time just to be with me, to love me, to serve me and to help me heal.  I will never forget it.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for being more than sisters to me.

You are each beautiful inside and out. 

I love you big time (or as Rock Star would say, "I love you like a fat kid loves cake!"),

Your Sis

going on a bear hunt

The day before we found out the twins were gone, the Lord whispered some precious words to me through a sweet lady.  She couldn't have known what these words would mean to me over the next few days.

Mrs. Daisy is an amazing woman who is helping us do some important educational work with Wubba.

When I took him in for his weekly appointment she was reading him a book that I have always loved, "We're Going on a Bear Hunt."  Do you all remember that?  When I was a kiddo I remember teachers doing fun activities in circle time with that story.

The beautifully illustrated pages show a Daddy taking his four children on an exciting adventure.

It goes like this...

"We're going on a bear hunt.
We're going to catch a big one.
What a beautiful day!
We're not afraid."

Mrs. Daisy pointed out that the children weren't afraid because their Daddy was with them. 

The children would often meet with obstacles.  For example, high grass, a deep river, oozy mud, a dark forest, a snowstorm, a narrow and gloomy cave.

When they faced these difficulties the books says...

"We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
We've got to go through it!"

Mrs. Daisy pointed out this is true of life sometimes.

I cannot tell you how many times over the last 13 days I have heard those words run through my head.

I do not have to be afraid. 

My father is with me. 

There will be obstacles I have to face head on. 

I can't avoid them. 

I will have to walk right through the middle of them.

What peace it brings to my heart to know that my Father is with me!

Do you know what I noticed this week as she read the book to him?  One of the lines is, "What a beautiful day!"

I praise you Lord!  Even in the midst of trials you give me so much beauty.  I can honestly say...

It is a beautiful day!

sweet words of comfort

Bubba had been playing outside one afternoon.  He came running in the house with a handful of flowers.

Bubba: "Mommy, these are for you!"
Me: "Wow, buddy!  Thank you so much."
Bubba: "They are for you because the babies died."
Me: "Bubba, it blesses my heart that you were thinking of me.  These flowers make me so happy!"


After EJ and I returned home from the doctor's office, little Wubba met me at the door.

Wubba: "Mommy!  You are home!  Are you all better now?"
Me: "I am starting to feel better!"

Later Wubba was snuggling with me on the couch.  He looked at me, touched my face with both his little hands and said, "Mommy, your face is cool.  I like your face.  Your face is beautiful!"

Be still my heart.

moments of joy

Let me tell you something. 

It tickles me that when you open my blog the picture you currently see at the top is this one.

I cannot see this picture without cracking up.

I chose to keep this picture at the top while I have dealt with the miscarriage on purpose.

The reality is, that silly picture describes my life most of the time.  I find great satisfaction in the life God has given me.  I laugh a lot.  I have more joy than I deserve.

We have been doing the work of mourning but he has allowed a lot of fun breaks right smack dab in the middle of it all.

I found moments of joy and honestly just a big 'ol smile on my face when...

Grammy, the cowboys and I had to chase half of the chickens back into the coop.  We looked ridiculous.  By the end of it we were flapping our arms and clucking and laughing our heads off!

Pop mentioned that a ride on the go-cart is proven to lift a persons spirits.  He and Grammy watched the cowboys for a few minutes while I took EJ for a spin.  Pop was right, by the end of our ride, I had a grin from ear to ear.

I have had numerous moments of joy with dear friends and family who have stopped by just to be with us.  As we sit and visit (or take a walk to the pond) we cannot help but have a good time.  Scripture does say that laughter is good medicine!

The cowboys...my sweet boys.  Just their presence is enough.  How can you not smile when you are experiencing life with three boys!  The way they grin and laugh.  The way they run and play.  The way they squeeze me and say, "I love you Mom."  (Well, Q can't say that yet but he does say, "Up Mama" when he wants me to hold him.  I'd say that's pretty close!)

When EJ hands me a perfect up of coffee just the way I like it first thing in the morning and says, "I love you.  Have a good day."  I cannot help but feel joy.  I may not smile much.  I'm not a morning person.  But I do feel loved!

 "Bring joy to your servant, Lord,

for I put my trust in you" 

Psalm 86:4

Home feels safe

...............................................................................................
I feel an urgency to get more thoughts written down.  I want to record what I am feeling and how I am dealing with it.  I'm not sure why it seems so important.  It is cathartic for me but I also believe others will find it useful at some point.

Hang in there with me.  Walk with me through it.  I promise the joyful blog posts will be back soon.  My life has a lot of joy in it even when I am hurting. 
...............................................................................................

Since Friday (when I learned the babies had died), the desire to be home has been strong.  I told EJ I feel so vulnerable when I am out. 

He said, "You feel like you have it written on your face, don't you?" 

"Yes, I feel like it is all over me." I said.

Home feels safe.

Being away from home feels loud and overwhelming.

I'm not sure how long this will last.  I sort of think God is allowing me to feel this way so I will be still and allow him to heal me. 

Unfortunately, there are some outings that are not negotiable...

My doctor's office told us that I needed to come in for a blood test.  I didn't want to go.  I didn't want to leave my safe place.

EJ came and got me and we headed to the doctor's office.

I tried to pretend we were on a lunch date in the middle of the day.  The kiddos were home with Grammy and we were alone.  Pretending didn't work. 

When we got to the Dr.'s office a woman with newborn twins literally walked in the door right before us. 

"REALLY GOD???  REALLY???  I am trying so hard.  What are the chances?  I am NOT strong enough for this!"

I felt a response in my spirit, "I AM STRONG ENOUGH.  Now walk through that door."

EJ and I headed in.

The twins were parked right where I needed to go.  No side stepping this one.  As I walked past them I looked at their sweet faces.  They were so precious.  Their Momma looked tired but happy. 

I headed upstairs to have my blood work done.  By the time I returned the little twins were gone.

I was glad to get back in the car...back home...back to my safe place.

God was right though. 

He is strong enough and he has promised to strengthen me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13  

The lies that come

Sunday was a good day. 

I felt strong. 

I felt blessed. 

Friends and family came with love, food, flowers and cards. 

It was a beautiful day.

Then it turned into night.

It got quiet.

That's when it started.  All the lies.  I layed next to EJ sobbing.  I told him of the thoughts I was having.  Awful attacks from the enemy.

As I told EJ the lies, he held my hand and replaced each lie with truth from scripture. 

Simple truth.

The kind that sets you free.

My Rock

There is no easy way to say it.  When I learned the babies were gone I knew I would have to experience the physical pain of their loss soon.  My doctor gave me the option of a D&C but he would be out of town for a week.  I wanted to avoid being "put under" for the procedure and also I only wanted my Dr. to do it.  So, we made a plan.  If I didn't miscarry the babies by the time he was back from vacation we would do a D&C.  I asked for pain meds so I would have something to help with the pain.  (When I miscarried before it was incredibly painful.  I remember it well.) 

Friday, I cried a lot.  Off and on.  I was glad to be home and told EJ I didn't want to leave home until I miscarried.  I didn't want to risk being away from home when the pains started.

Our sweet little boys had lots of questions, "Why did the babies die?"  "Why did God want to see them?"  "Are you sad Mommy?"  We hugged them tight and answered all their questions.  We told them the story of the baby we lost between Bubba and Wubba.  We reminded them that we trust God and we know he will take care of us.

Friday night I slept well. 

This morning when I woke up I had a feeling it would be a tough day.  The reality of the news felt like a weight sitting on my chest.  EJ got up with the boys and let me sleep in.  I couldn't sleep very long.  I got up and ate a tasty breakfast EJ made.  Then he handed me a cup of REAL coffee.  I haven't had good (read strong fully caffeinated) coffee since I got pregnant.  I put it in a "to-go" cup and headed outside with the big boys.  Little man was down for a morning nap and EJ stayed inside to listen for him.

I needed the fresh air.  I needed to watch my big boys run and play.

The day kept passing.

I cried some more.

Rock Star stopped by with some items I requested.  She helped EJ do a couple things around the house and read a story or two to the boys. 

Pop and Grammy stayed close by all day.  They helped with the boys when we needed it. 

Early this evening, I just felt overcome.  I went to our bedroom to weep.  I cried so hard I felt like I could hardly breathe.  EJ came in to comfort me.   I told him I needed to go out for a walk.  He said he had everything under control.

I put on a jacket and stuffed the pockets with tissues.  As I walked, the tears continued to flow.  I headed toward the pond.  I wanted to just sit there and be with my God.  I sat on a rock right by the water. 

I prayed. 
I praised. 
I cried. 
I felt peace.
I felt comfort.

It wasn't until I uploaded this picture that I realized it...

I was standing on the rock. 

Psalm 62:6-7

6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

When I prayed I asked God to bring the miscarriage quickly.  I asked him to make the pain manageable.

As I headed back towards the house, I felt the pains begin.

I labored through the pains for the next few hours.  EJ prayed over me.  Soon it was all over. 

We got to see them.

They were perfect tiny little babies.

I praised God for answering my prayers.

I felt joy.  I can't explain it.  It could only come from God.  He is gracious and loving to me.

I am tired now.  It is late but I needed to testify while it was still fresh.

I will lay my head down next to my husband who loves me.

My babies are safe in the arms of God.

to comfort all who mourn

Today we went for a routine OB appointment.  Our Dr. decided to do a sonogram to check on the twins.  The minute he started the sonogram I knew something was wrong.  I didn't see the little flicker of a heart beat for either baby.

Dr. K. looked at us and said, "I have terrible news."

I said, "Their hearts aren't beating."

Dr. K. "No, their hearts aren't beating."

There are really no words to describe how it feels to hear those words.

One baby died first, then the other one a few days later.  He could tell by their rate of growth.  One was bigger than the other. 
 
EJ and I took it all in.

Dr. K and Nurse T were so kind.  They were sincerely sympathetic.  They have known us for years.  They have shared in our joy when we welcomed Bubba and Wubba into the world.  They shared in our sorrow when we lost our baby in 2006.  When Baby Q came home I sent a baby announcement to them that said, "the only thing that would have been better is if you had delivered him!" 

The plan this time was to have them share in our joy as we delivered healthy, happy twins.

That will not be the case.

We will not meet these little ones here on earth. 

We so wanted to hold them here.  We had begun the process of preparing for their arrival.  What joy and anticipation we felt!  Two babies.  I mean, how crazy is that?  What an amazing challenge and blessing all rolled into one. 

I'm not sure how to describe the peace and calm I have felt today.  Laying on the sonogram table.  I even said, "It's okay."  Maybe to make myself feel better and maybe to let EJ know I still had my wits about me.  The reality is...

It is okay.  God is still in control.  He has thrilled me beyond belief with the blessings he has so graciously given to me.  I will include in those blessings getting to be the twins momma.  No matter how short the time I got to have them with me.

My advice to my friends who have miscarried has always been..."allow yourself to mourn for this little one."

Now it is my turn.  It is my time to mourn.  I do not mourn alone.  Not only do I have EJ and the cowboys at my side but I am also blessed to have so many people around me who love me and love my babies.  I am in good company.  I am grateful to be loved so much.

I will have to walk through this.  I know I can.  God has held my hand my whole life and I can feel him here now.  He makes me sweet promises and I believe him.

Isaiah 61:1-3

1 "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,

because the LORD has anointed me

to proclaim good news to the poor.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives

and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]

2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—

to bestow on them a crown of beauty

instead of ashes,

the oil of joy

instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise

instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD

for the display of his splendor."

Shoulda been at the zoo

We are tired of being stuck at home.

The Super Heroes were at the Zoo today and we were WAY jealous.

The good news...the boys seem to be ready to rock and roll.  No fevers today!

The bad news...I am still exhausted.  At this point, I've realized it may not be the virus.  It may be the two little bitty babies growing in my belly. 

Word is the babies are the size of kidney beans this week.  I bet they are super cute little beans. 

Stinkin' Sick

I was supposed to be gone all weekend.  I was headed to an adoption conference with two of my dear friends.  I have been looking forward to it with great excitement.  We were to leave on Thursday night.

On Wednesday, Q started running a fever.  By Thursday, I knew I would have to take him to the doctor.  Turns out he has an ear infection.  We got an antibiotic and headed home to snuggle.

Also, Huckleberry got hit by a car.  We think he got clipped in the face and rolled.  He had a trip to the vet where they sedated him and determined that his jaw was broken.  He was given meds and sent home to recover with special feeding instructions.  We love big 'ol gentle Huck.  We are so glad he is okay!

I knew I just couldn't leave little Q and go to the conference.  Those of you parents know that antibiotics often lead to diarrhea.  I could just picture EJ trying to take care of an injured dog while cleaning up nasty baby poo poos and trying to chase all three boys.  It just didn't feel right to leave.

Turns out it is a very good thing I didn't go.  By late Thursday afternoon I was in a bad way.  A crazy sickness came over me in an instant.  I had chills, aches, runny nose, sore throat and a fever.  I felt like I couldn't lift my head from my pillow. 

Pop and Grammy helped me with the cowboys until EJ could get home that evening.

Friday was spent just being sick.  EJ kept the boys busy so I could rest.  He did have to run to town a couple of times and it was all I could do to take care of the boys. 

The thing that freaked me out more than anything was the fever. I have read that fever in early pregnancy can be a bad thing. EJ called Dr. K's office. Nurse T told EJ that the fever was more dangerous to the babies than Tylenol.  So we kept the Tylenol going and prayed the babies would hang tough through it all. 

My mother-in-law had been checking on us that day and wanted to keep the big boys for us for the night.  We asked the boys if they wanted to go and of course they said yes.

Saturday Q woke up with a rash all over his body and I was still miserable.  We went to immediate care.  Q was seen right away.  He is allergic to the antibiotic he was given.  They prescribed him a new one and told us to give him some benadryl.  I waited another hour and forty-five minutes to be seen.  The Dr. looked me over and said it was probably a virus.  He told me to take Tylenol.  I asked him if he would consider just cutting my head off.  He didn't seem to think I was funny.

When we called to check on the big boys, my in-laws informed us that Bubba woke up with a fever and had vomited that morning.  Poor guy!  They said he seemed to be doing better and was watching sports on TV with his Papa.  We were headed to pick them up and go home.  My mother-in-law insisted that we go on home and let them keep the boys another night.  I was in no place to argue.  I could hardly function.  EJ had his hands full with me and Q.

We came home and I slept and slept.  When I woke up I asked EJ to go get the big boys.  I was missing them.  He called to check on them and they were having a good time and looking forward to staying another night.  I didn't want to upset them.

When I woke up this morning I finally felt human again.  Certainly nowhere near 100% but better.

This afternoon, EJ and Q went to pick up the big brothers.  I was so happy when they made it home.  We pulled out the hide-a-bed so we could all cuddle up and watch a movie.  Pitiful aren't we? 

(I looked at EJ after he took this photo and said, "Do you realize I am snuggled up with our 5 children right now?")

I cannot thank EJ enough for taking good care of us.  I am also thankful for EJ's folks for keeping the big boys for us.  I find it difficult to accept help but there are times when you just don't have a choice.  I am so glad for family that steps in and saves the day when I need them.

(Just a side note: Pop and Grammy are currently taking care of other grand kids so they were not available.  I know you are wondering why the boys didn't just go downstairs...don't worry inquiring minds...I've got your back)

We got to hear the heartbeat...BOTH OF THEM!!!

A few weeks ago we were shocked to find out that I was pregnant.  After all, God hasn't given us another pregnancy since our little Wubba came.

Surprise!!!

Q gave Pop and Grammy this card on Valentine's Day.

We were thrilled but still shocked.

Fast forward to our first Dr. appt.

EJ and I were glad to see Dr. K.  (He delivered Bubba and Wubba.  He also delivered my niece SuperGirl and nephew SpiderMan).

We laughed with Dr. K and our favorite nurse T.  I told them that I was nervous to be there.  I was still shocked and trying to believe that I was pregnant.  When Dr. K prepared to do a sonogram I told him I was afraid he wouldn't find anyone in there.

As he began to perform the sonogram I noticed the look on his face change. 

He said, "There are Two."

"Are you kidding?"  EJ said

"He's not kidding.  EJ do you want your chair?" said Nurse T.

EJ to Me, "You were afraid there was no one in there.  There is a whole dorm room in there!"

We watched as Dr. K showed us each of their heartbeats.  Both were at 120.  It was amazing to hear the "thump thump" of each of their hearts.

We couldn't wait to share the news!!!

I texted my cousin to call me.  I knew she was working that day.  She called and I spilled my guts.  She was so jazzed to hear the news!

We quickly met EJ's folks for lunch.  EJ showed them the sonogram and his Mom jokingly said, "there's one, there is another."  EJ looked her and said, "You are right!  There are two babies in there!"  They were totally excited!

Next we were headed home to tell Pop, Grammy and Pretty Princess.  (Pretty Princess was at the Farm watching the cowboys for us).  Grammy called me to check in on our appointment and to tell me that she and Pop were running some errands.

We asked if we could meet them to show them a picture.  We made plans to meet in a parking lot.  While we waited for them I called DW and Rock Star.  They couldn't believe it!  I'm sure they thought we were kidding at first!

When Pop and Grammy got there.  I pulled out the sonogram pictures and said, "We got to hear the heartbeat...BOTH OF THEM!!!"  Grammy jumped up and down in excitement.  Pop looked a little shocked.  We gave them a big hug and then headed home.

When we arrived home I got to tell Pretty Princess and the cowboys at the same time.

When I told the boys that there were two babies in my tummy they said, "That is silly!" 

So here we are...

Shocked. 

Amazed. 

Grateful to God.

Ephesians 3:19-21
19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Four Sisters Farm Announcement

God is good and grandchildren are such a blessing and a pleasure!! Good stuff!