Dr. K. looked at us and said, "I have terrible news."
I said, "Their hearts aren't beating."
Dr. K. "No, their hearts aren't beating."
There are really no words to describe how it feels to hear those words.
One baby died first, then the other one a few days later. He could tell by their rate of growth. One was bigger than the other.
EJ and I took it all in.
Dr. K and Nurse T were so kind. They were sincerely sympathetic. They have known us for years. They have shared in our joy when we welcomed Bubba and Wubba into the world. They shared in our sorrow when we lost our baby in 2006. When Baby Q came home I sent a baby announcement to them that said, "the only thing that would have been better is if you had delivered him!"
The plan this time was to have them share in our joy as we delivered healthy, happy twins.
That will not be the case.
We will not meet these little ones here on earth.
We so wanted to hold them here. We had begun the process of preparing for their arrival. What joy and anticipation we felt! Two babies. I mean, how crazy is that? What an amazing challenge and blessing all rolled into one.
I'm not sure how to describe the peace and calm I have felt today. Laying on the sonogram table. I even said, "It's okay." Maybe to make myself feel better and maybe to let EJ know I still had my wits about me. The reality is...
It is okay. God is still in control. He has thrilled me beyond belief with the blessings he has so graciously given to me. I will include in those blessings getting to be the twins momma. No matter how short the time I got to have them with me.
My advice to my friends who have miscarried has always been..."allow yourself to mourn for this little one."
Now it is my turn. It is my time to mourn. I do not mourn alone. Not only do I have EJ and the cowboys at my side but I am also blessed to have so many people around me who love me and love my babies. I am in good company. I am grateful to be loved so much.
I will have to walk through this. I know I can. God has held my hand my whole life and I can feel him here now. He makes me sweet promises and I believe him.
1 "The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor."