Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Home feels safe

I feel an urgency to get more thoughts written down.  I want to record what I am feeling and how I am dealing with it.  I'm not sure why it seems so important.  It is cathartic for me but I also believe others will find it useful at some point.

Hang in there with me.  Walk with me through it.  I promise the joyful blog posts will be back soon.  My life has a lot of joy in it even when I am hurting. 

Since Friday (when I learned the babies had died), the desire to be home has been strong.  I told EJ I feel so vulnerable when I am out. 

He said, "You feel like you have it written on your face, don't you?" 

"Yes, I feel like it is all over me." I said.

Home feels safe.

Being away from home feels loud and overwhelming.

I'm not sure how long this will last.  I sort of think God is allowing me to feel this way so I will be still and allow him to heal me. 

Unfortunately, there are some outings that are not negotiable...

My doctor's office told us that I needed to come in for a blood test.  I didn't want to go.  I didn't want to leave my safe place.

EJ came and got me and we headed to the doctor's office.

I tried to pretend we were on a lunch date in the middle of the day.  The kiddos were home with Grammy and we were alone.  Pretending didn't work. 

When we got to the Dr.'s office a woman with newborn twins literally walked in the door right before us. 

"REALLY GOD???  REALLY???  I am trying so hard.  What are the chances?  I am NOT strong enough for this!"

I felt a response in my spirit, "I AM STRONG ENOUGH.  Now walk through that door."

EJ and I headed in.

The twins were parked right where I needed to go.  No side stepping this one.  As I walked past them I looked at their sweet faces.  They were so precious.  Their Momma looked tired but happy. 

I headed upstairs to have my blood work done.  By the time I returned the little twins were gone.

I was glad to get back in the car...back home...back to my safe place.

God was right though. 

He is strong enough and he has promised to strengthen me.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."  Philippians 4:13  


  1. a friend recommended your blog to me and after some perusing i realized i know your hubby from highschool. i'm so sorry about the loss of your precious babies. praise God for his wisdom and power...praying for you and EJ.

  2. My heart breaks for you. It really does. I have cried for you and prayed for you. I will continue to lift you up to our Father and ask Him to comfort you and to continue to give you strength. Grieving is a process, and God will walk through the valley with you, as you know. No words of anyone here on earth can take away your pain, but I hope it will encourage you at least a tad that many folks (even ones you don't know!) are beseeching the Holy One on your behalf.

  3. Love you, Sis. Wish it was an easier process but I know what you know...that there is purpose and goodness wrapped in with the hurt and sadness. Praying for you and EJ often.

  4. Oh Lady...Erin told me this week. My heart and prayers are with you. Keep strong in God's love.

  5. I'm so, so sorry! My heart is just breaking for you right now.

  6. Hi Sweetie! I have been thinking about you and praying for you! One of the things that is so AMAZING about you is your ever present faith! It absolutely RADIATES through you. Our Father's grace simply shines through! You have allowed God to use you in so many wonderful ways. And one of the ways He has used you is to reach me! You know I think of you as my Spiritual Mommy! You showed me the unfailing love of God. I can never thank you enough for that! We both know that God has an absolutely fabulous purpose for you! I am here for you anytime! I love you!