Saturday, March 19, 2011

My Rock

There is no easy way to say it.  When I learned the babies were gone I knew I would have to experience the physical pain of their loss soon.  My doctor gave me the option of a D&C but he would be out of town for a week.  I wanted to avoid being "put under" for the procedure and also I only wanted my Dr. to do it.  So, we made a plan.  If I didn't miscarry the babies by the time he was back from vacation we would do a D&C.  I asked for pain meds so I would have something to help with the pain.  (When I miscarried before it was incredibly painful.  I remember it well.) 

Friday, I cried a lot.  Off and on.  I was glad to be home and told EJ I didn't want to leave home until I miscarried.  I didn't want to risk being away from home when the pains started.

Our sweet little boys had lots of questions, "Why did the babies die?"  "Why did God want to see them?"  "Are you sad Mommy?"  We hugged them tight and answered all their questions.  We told them the story of the baby we lost between Bubba and Wubba.  We reminded them that we trust God and we know he will take care of us.

Friday night I slept well. 

This morning when I woke up I had a feeling it would be a tough day.  The reality of the news felt like a weight sitting on my chest.  EJ got up with the boys and let me sleep in.  I couldn't sleep very long.  I got up and ate a tasty breakfast EJ made.  Then he handed me a cup of REAL coffee.  I haven't had good (read strong fully caffeinated) coffee since I got pregnant.  I put it in a "to-go" cup and headed outside with the big boys.  Little man was down for a morning nap and EJ stayed inside to listen for him.

I needed the fresh air.  I needed to watch my big boys run and play.

The day kept passing.

I cried some more.

Rock Star stopped by with some items I requested.  She helped EJ do a couple things around the house and read a story or two to the boys. 

Pop and Grammy stayed close by all day.  They helped with the boys when we needed it. 

Early this evening, I just felt overcome.  I went to our bedroom to weep.  I cried so hard I felt like I could hardly breathe.  EJ came in to comfort me.   I told him I needed to go out for a walk.  He said he had everything under control.

I put on a jacket and stuffed the pockets with tissues.  As I walked, the tears continued to flow.  I headed toward the pond.  I wanted to just sit there and be with my God.  I sat on a rock right by the water. 

I prayed. 
I praised. 
I cried. 
I felt peace.
I felt comfort.

It wasn't until I uploaded this picture that I realized it...

I was standing on the rock. 

Psalm 62:6-7
6 Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

When I prayed I asked God to bring the miscarriage quickly.  I asked him to make the pain manageable.

As I headed back towards the house, I felt the pains begin.

I labored through the pains for the next few hours.  EJ prayed over me.  Soon it was all over. 

We got to see them.

They were perfect tiny little babies.

I praised God for answering my prayers.

I felt joy.  I can't explain it.  It could only come from God.  He is gracious and loving to me.

I am tired now.  It is late but I needed to testify while it was still fresh.

I will lay my head down next to my husband who loves me.

My babies are safe in the arms of God.


  1. Any words that I might say would be pale compared as to what you just shared...our thoughts and prayers are with you...I am so proud as to the way that my sister/Brother in law has raised are a perfect compliment to them...Keep you head up I know you will!

  2. Your loving family and your strong faith will bring you all through this.....remember: one day at a time. It was His plan and it might not be shown to you for a very, very long time. My prayers are definitely with you all. Margie B

  3. This is heartbreaking news. May God comfort your family with the loss of the hopes & dreams for the lives of your babies. I just think 1 Cor. 13: 10 & 12. SOON the parts of what we go through will be whole. And, we will see clearly and know and understand His plan and His great love for us. Your family remains blessed.....and your capacity for understanding and ministering grows....but, I am expecting good....GOD things for your family.

  4. Oh my sweet friend, you have glorified God in the retelling of your story. I thank our loving Father that He is holding you close through this.

  5. My dear friend. I have read this post 3 times and have wept each time. I am drawn to it because of your testament to your deep, real faith in our Heavenly Father. It's a testimony of how even in the darkest hour, God is right there with you, never forsaking you. Thank you for sharing such an intimate moment so that God can be glorified. I can't wait to hug on you tomorrow...

  6. My dear friends... I'm saddened to hear of your news and thankful that you are filled with the holy spirit. Nothing I can say will make things better... but know that you have many friends and family by your side and a God that is bigger than anything and everything. You are an amazing family and God has his arms wrapped around all of you. Psalm 30:11, He will turn your wailing into dancing. I have clung to this verse many times... may it give you joy. Praying for you and your family.

  7. Thank you for having the courage to post such a personal experience. It was painful, sad, and joyful to read all at the same time.