I choose freedom

EJ and I have not had the easiest road to parenthood.  It has been marked by joys and sorrows.

For two years of my life I obsessed about becoming pregnant.  I researched, I charted, I chatted, I prayed, I timed, I tested, I cried, I felt like I would lose my mind.

I will never forget laying in bed one night crying uncontrollably.  EJ tried to comfort me.  I just couldn't breathe.  I don't know that I've ever had a panic attack but that was as close as I ever want to get to one.

EJ called my folks.  He told them what was going on and then put the phone to my ear.

I couldn't even make words come out.

I just continued to sob.

Grammy and Pop took turns praying over me.

I tried to quiet my sobbing enough to hear them.

I calmed down as they prayed truth over me. 

EJ thanked them and then held me close while I fell asleep.

Life hurt so much. 

You know our story, we went on to have children, 2 by birth, 1 by adoption and 3 in heaven.

For nearly four years (after Wubba was born), I had been infertile, again.  No pregnancies.

You know what?  I was okay with that.  I really was.  Q had come through adoption and I was tickled to add to our family in that way.  I didn't long to be pregnant.  I didn't obsess.  I didn't feel sad about it.  I was just fine.

Totally fine.

Then God messed me up.

He gave me another pregnancy and sweetened the deal by putting two in there!  What could be better? 

Then my twins took off for heaven before I even got to know them.

Ouch.

All those thoughts came tumbling back.

For four weeks I have been standing at a cross road.  Trying to decide which way to go. 

It is a battle for my mind.

Am I going back there?  To the place of obsession.  To the place where becoming pregnant consumes my every thought?  No one would judge me.  I have been through a terrible loss and others would understand my desire to have another pregnancy.

But I have tasted freedom. 

I have lived in it.

You know what?

I like freedom.

I like trusting that God will create life when and how he chooses without my strong grip of control on the process.

I like living with confidence that my God loves me and will work all things together for my good.

Enemy, I am done wrestling with you.

I choose freedom.

I choose trust.

I choose to throw my hands up and enjoy this roller coaster ride.

I cannot wait to see what God has in store for us.

9 "However, as it is written:  “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him— 10 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God."

1 Corinthians 2:9-10